Do you feel like you are always in the trenches?

Remember the days when life seemed 'hard'...like when you were first married and you and your husband worked different schedules, and when you finally had time together your most difficult decision was which movie to pick at the theater? Ha...oh those days seem like such a long time ago. We were young, working to pay bills, but blissfully happy with the life we were just beginning. Nearly 18 years have past from those 'hard' days and sometimes I chuckle as my definition of hard has completely changed.

Parenting children of trauma is HARD! No real surprises there, but seriously, unless you do it, or closely watch someone who is doing it, the reality of difficulty is not some thing everyone understands. I hate to say it but I wake up nearly every morning wondering what battle awaits me just outside my door, minutes into the day. They are silly little things that can take the beauty of the sunrise and turn it up on its head. I say to myself each morning, "not today, I will not give in to the frustration, anger, attitude, etc today!" And sadly, nearly every morning after school drop off I walk back in the house defeated because I couldn't do. I let those same little things push my big O'l buttons and now no one is happy. Darn!

We are lucky to be surrounded by so many people in our lives who offer great support, and listening ear. I have plenty of days where venting is the best medicine and the empathetic hug lifts the grey clouds away. I love texting with a few other 'foster moms in the trenches' and truly get a chuckle at the things these kids in our lives do that would astound the average person. (We have to chuckle...it maintains our sanity!) Then there are those moments, we all have them, where we put on the fake smile, say the "things are good" slogan we have become accustom to, and stay in our homes away from the world. No one really wants to hear about our problems, or hear about those things your child just did that are embarrassing and you don't want to admit there isn't a darn thing you can do about it. If you have too many of those days then the discouragement and despair can easily set in. I was there almost two weeks ago....not a fun place to be, and I am still trying to come out of it completely. It's the quiet moments, you know too much in my own head, that is always the hardest part.

One of our kiddos has had a very difficult school year. The reasons could be new school after moving, the fact that baby brother went home and she didn't, the loss of her cousin to cancer, which she doesn't completely understand or any number of things. What it is only matters as we try to unwrap the layers, but the behaviors....those BEHAVIORS keep getting in the way. We have her in weekly therapy but really haven't seen much fruit in that. (Although I will admit therapy takes time and can be slow work.) We have spoken to her doctors, adjusted meds, read books, researched the heck out of trauma parenting....and on and on and on. But to be completely frank and honest we feel completely held hostage to these behavior and that is soooo hard! And when it becomes too much we are forever grateful for those who have stepped up for us in a big way these days to take her for a weekend to give us the mental/emotional break we need.

One of the books we have read, and keep out as a resource is "The Primal Wound". SO many good things, and helps with the realization that so much of these things we can't control really have nothing to do with us, but is part of the 'wound' from her circumstance. One of the parts that I stumbled across talks about the future, and how an adoptee can help heal the adoptive parent.

In regards to the adoptive mother, who by the way takes the brunt of the damage a trauma-filled, adopted child can inflict, this quote spoke directly to my heart...

"She (the adoptive mother) needs to know that she is not a failure,

 and that she is making a difference in her child's life."

There is no guarantee that any of my adopted children will ever come to this realization let alone share it with me, but I can have hope. I can have hope in the fact that I am committed to them, to this life, to my own personal growth and improvements and that makes the sun shine through those clouds. 

Each day is new, each new day is an opportunity to try again Trying again is an excellent example to the child we are trying to teach that very same concept. Bottom line...it all starts with me. Again, no big shock there and yet I find this realization new and refreshing every time I relearn it. So, if you too are in the trenches, what ever the battle is, this is for you!

Officially Jasmine Ebony Anaya Self

It has happened...we finalized the adoption of our sweet Jasmine!! YAY!! It has been a long rode where we never completely doubted, although there were a few moments of fear that crept in. BUT that is all behind us now are we are officially the parents of six...yep I said SIX children!!! Crazy! I have had a hard time explaining my feelings yesterday...I haven't been able to find the words. She is the surprise child and so yesterday was made even sweeter as the excitement and fulfillment of her becoming ours was the cherry on top of our sundae of this life. Do I dare say we are finally, at last complete...??? (Remember, four years ago I said the same thing after Grace...hahahah!) I will say this, as far as we know, in this moment we are complete. We do not have any plans to add to our family by adoption. We are however still committed to fostering children because the need is huge!! More and more children are sleeping in DCF offices because there are not enough homes/beds to support the number of children in custody of the state. I hope this breaks your heart as much as it does ours. So, we wait for God to reveal to us His plan and will over the next days, weeks, months, years...we certainly are busy, have full plates but love (almost) every minute.

sooooooo finally enjoy the pictures from our extraordinary day. We are filled with so much love and joy....

There are these moments in life...

There are always these moments in life...ones that define the path. God calls these moments remarkable and asked the Jews to place a monument, what He calls an "Ebeneezer". It was meant to be a reminder of what they had seen, what He had done for them. We are in a moment like this now. We are on the eve of our fourth adoption. This is a child we had no idea He wanted us to have until Dec 26, 2012...she was 4 days old. We were 'done' after Grace. We were 'complete'! Ha...complete in our own minds, He knew better. She is our surprise child...grown ever so quickly in our hearts!

The road has not been as easy as we expected when they told us she was going straight to adoptions, I mean she was after all bio sibling to our girls. I mean no brainer right?? Ha! Nothing is certain in this life, least of all anything having to do with CPS. BUT regardless of the road we are here!!! We are about to add another little Self to this crazzzy family and I couldn't be more humbled and elated.

Her smile is infectious! She is the light of our life and makes us a better family.

"27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

Easter 2015

We had a lovely service at church last night, and I took a few photos before just to capture these crazy kiddos dressed in their finest! We participated in our community egg hunt and it was delightful! It was picture perfect weather and so many wonderful neighbors came out to celebrate too!

Playing catch up...again!

We found ourselves smack dab in the middle of spring break last week, and we didn't do anything as a family. As much as that is a bit of a disappointment, it is also very needed for our family to sometimes spend lazy days at home. So many days we find ourselves as parents in survival mode....surviving until bedtime.

Raising children with childhood trauma and other various issues has been the biggest challenges of our lives. And no matter how good we may look to others on the outside, we fail daily in some way, and that can be draining. We have school issues, kindness issues, behavior issues, respect issues and on and on. But...when I survey the whole picture...WOW! What a blessing. God never said, "hey, believe in me and things will go smooth!" Ha, pretty much the opposite. Does that mean God strives to make our life difficult...NO...He merely wants to "sift the wheat" for the best product. We are created in His image and He wants us to follow endlessly after Him, all the while He is making us stronger, kinder, wiser, softer, and more loving. What amazing power it is to look back in my life and see where I used to be...and where I am now! So yes, I fail daily, but I am having some pretty amazing growth too, and for that I am blessed beyond measure!

Soooooo, update!!!! I have decided not to shave my head this year. I desire to celebrate my niece and so I am still praying and thinking things through for the possibility of next year. I would love to create my own fundraising section of the event and have Lucy be the child sponsored, but with the support of her parents too. I guess I want to make this a bigger deal than just me honoring her by shaving my head. That means I am excited to see where this takes me over the next few months and hopefully will have some sort of decision/plan by fall. Thanks if you lifted this up in prayer on my behalf...I certainly felt it!

We are anxiously awaiting the finalization date for our adoption!!! Waiting and waiting and waiting!! Thankfully the petition was filed on the 10th, so we are literally only waiting to find out the date. Funny thing about this life...27 months ago when we were told about her, we were told she was going straight to adoptions...hahahaha, the system can be aggravating sometimes, but we are so close I can almost see the signed order in my hand!

That is a quick little tid-bit of our life in recent weeks...enjoy a few pictures too