This is oddly familiar...

Once again we are faced with a week of court hearings for the kids. I have known this week was coming for the past 6mths...and while I didn't think about it obsessively it was never far from my mind either.

Tomorrow, 3/23 we have a Report and Review hearing for Nathan and his brothers case. Several things about this case make it so unpredictable. One, the caseworker is not the best...she is a kind person but not sure she does her job the best she can. She feels like reunification with mom is a good idea and we strongly disagree. At the very least mom should have to be making trips to AZ to try and connect with the children, two of which have no idea who she is. We are waiting for a decision from the state of TX to see is they are going to be joining in the process and work towards the reunifiaction goal. If they agree then they will facilitate visits and parenting classes for the parents however it also means the boys will be removed from our homes and placed in TX, most likely directly with mom, while being monitored by TX CPS. If they don't agree than it puts more pressure on mom to come to AZ and complete all these same requirements. Kim (the foster mom for Terence and Terrell) and I feel like we may in for a big shock tomorrow. We are not feeling peace about what is going to happen and are desperatly trying to hang on to the truth of God and His devine plan. I have said this before but if you ever want to learn how to rely completely on the Lord for something in your life try foster care. I have absolutly no influence, no control, and I am basically an observer watching as these decisions pass right by me in a parade. It is both humbling and scary all in the same moments. It is hard to trust a 'system' that claims best interest of the kids and watch as they do the opposite time and time again.

Friday begins the severence trail for the girls' mom. This should be an open and shut case, but Satan has managed to put all kinds of doubt in my mind. I start fantisizing about adopting Ayana, about seeing her grow and complete high school, get married...I desire nothing more than to have her be a "Self". With these dreams comes intense fear of it acutally not happening. And then there is the guilt...the guilt of taking a child from her mother even if it is for her benefit. I never imagined these events for my life which is why I believe God has a plan working, but again TRUST and waiting can be so difficult. Even more difficult is Leeah...precious babe! She had her Report and Reivew hearing last week and niether parent showed for court, which in my mind again is a red flag, but the state of AZ works hard to give every parent as many chances as possible. There is a possibilty of changing her case plan from reunifiaction to severence but not for another 3-6mths. She turns 1 the beginning of May! She brings a joy to our family I didn't know we were missing until she came. She can brighten a room with the twinkle in her eyes. We would be heartbroken if she left, and yet we know the risks too. We are so thankful for the time we have had with each of these amazing children and while moments of doubt are natural and creep in we have a strong, safe place to fall back on. I cannot imagine doing this with out God walking alongside and filling our hearts with comfort.

Lord, Yah-weh, King of Kings, be near! We feel the doubts and fears creep into our hearts and we are desperate to touch your glory through these events. We need comfort. We need to see your face in this place. Begin a work in our hearts, prepare us to be your tools, your light in the dark places of this time. We pray these chilren are protected from harm, emotionally and physically. You know the desires of our heart and yet above all our flesh we crave your path. We pray for peace what ever the outcome, today, tomorrow and in the future. Your will, not mine! We love you Abba Father...Amen.