She's listening...

On Fridays the baby has a visit with her Dad all by herself from 8-10 and then both girls, along with their other siblings have a visit with Mom from 11-1, so it tends to be an interesting morning. As I was getting Leeah ready this morning Samantha was asking where she was going. I said, "She has a visit with her Dad today." Samantha asked why Ayana wasn't going with her to see her Dad and I said, "Well, Leeah and Ayana have different Daddys." She gasped as she tried to figure out what that meant, and then said "Their Mom is married to two people?" Ok, now I am starting to freak out a bit and several things are running through my mind...what to say now, the truth I guess. I said, "No, their mommy is not married at all." The horror on her face as she said with a very strong tone, "Then she should not be having babies!" I then took the opportunity to re-enforce God's plan of marriage and then babies. She is sweet and yet innocent, but Samantha does have the concept down about God's plan for our lives. I am realizing that we are getting to an age with both Jacob and Samantha where some of these grown up questions are going to come up and we better be prepared with Kingdom answers.

How can there be a budget crisis?

I am annoyed and above all just plain old disturbed by a few things recently. I received a photo "red light" citation a few weeks back. I was driving, sipping my coffee, (which is clearly seen in the photo) and barely, and I mean barely ran a red light. (A little background...I can easily get lost in my own mind or a Klove song, which makes for either not paying attention to the speed or missing my turn, etc) Driving the big bertha I also have felt at times that stopping is harder than I thought. So, while lost in my coffee I ran a red light by an inch or so. I did the responsible thing and paid the outrageous fine and thought all was done. Well today I get a citation from ADOT after my check clears to the city, and not only do I pay the over priced ticket, but I also have to pay to go to traffic school, a requirement for ALL red light citations. So in summary, the city of Mesa gets over $200 bucks from me and now the county or state, not sure which one, get another $150 so I can go and sit in a classroom all day. TERRIFIC NEWS!!!!! Can you sense the sarcasm? Not too sure why we have a budget crisis in this city or state when they feel it necessary to charge me twice for one violation. Ok, I am done venting now! Moving on...

Do you rememer "Connect 4"

My brother and I used to play this game a lot. Jacob and I cleaned out his cloest today and we pulled this game out to play. I had fond memories of being a kid and trying to beat my brother. Samantha and Jacob were pretty equally matched and they laughed alot.

Cool Dad

The coolest Dad has no shame and playes dollies with his daughter, and a great brother joins them.

Rubba-dub-dub, baby in the tub

Who could resist this sweet thing...all covered in bubbles. Isn't she just yummy? Those cheeks and if only you could see the rolls on the thighs. Growing and thriving with love!

Summer time treat

One of the best things about summer is getting to sleep in places other than your bed. What you can't "hear" in a picture is my sweet son snoring away in dream land. I love the frog between them and how they are sharing a blanket. Could they be any more peaceful?

Court Update for Nathan

Through this whole time of uncertainty, and at moments down right despair, God kept whispering in my ear "wait". I would say "oh, ok wait...what else is there to do?" But, again (a lesson I should already know) I needed to trust in our Lord and wait for Him to act. We had a mediation and hearing last week and again today and the outcome was all we could have hoped. For the first time we feel hopeful that Nathan and his brothers have been given a voice. We are set for a Dependency Trial in Oct and have a tremendous amount of work to do with regards to getting ready for the trial but again, waiting on the Lord and His timing has proved to be the best plan. Thank you to all who have been praying...those we know about and those we do not. We have felt God's peace comfort our anxious hearts and believe your prayers have helped. Our Christian family means so much to us. Be blessed in the rest of your week dear friends and family.

Weekend Report Card...C-

Not my finest weekend as a mother. I think I attacked the weekend a bit strong. I sort of ramped up my attitude and was going to survive the weekend without Shane by not letting anyone push me over, well that sort of back fired by Sunday afternoon. Nathan had a full blown, 1.5 hrs tantrum at my in-laws church. Talk about embarrassing! I realized that I probably should have just gone with the flow and been more relaxed than I normally am and maybe things would have turned out differently. Oh well, lesson learned! I did manage to have ice cream sundays on Fri night and bake cookies on Sat. Oh, and I got caught up on "girlie" TV, the shows Shane prefers not watch! We were all happy to see Dad this afternoon and looking forward to a great week.

Comfort

I cannot think of anything more comforting than homemade fettuccine alfredo baked with cheese as I head into a hubby free weekend. He is having a "guys" weekend and I am solo with kids. This yummy treat makes it worth while!

Light Bulb Moment

Don't we all love those moments of "ah-ha" when God shows a moment of Himself through someone or something or bad attitude and conviction? I do not have as many of those moments as I would like, but I am recognizing them a lot sooner and acting immediately. A couple of weeks ago I was taking baby Leeah to have a visit with her Mom and Dad and as I was dropping her off I began to feel jealous. I was realizing that I was more attached to her than I had thought and I wanted to grab her and keep her to myself. As I was driving in the car I was coming up with more and more reasons to judge her Mom and Dad and convince myself that they were not the best parents for her, we were. I could feel the bitterness and resentment building and it was reflecting in my attitude towards her parents. I wouldn't make eye contact and if I didn't have to talk to them I wouldn't. So after a few days I began to feel sick in my heart. The fear and anxiety over having these kids was taking a toll. During some well, we will call it "whine praying" (where I whine to God about MY problems), I was convicted about my attitude. It was in that moment that I began to pray for them and their success. I began to praise God for His work in her Mom and that she has been clean now for almost 6mths. It is amazing how quickly my attitude turned around and that was when all the fear and anxiety didn't seem so bad either. So the light bulb moment happened today as I was picking the girls up from a visit, loading them in the car and seeing that their Mom was about to walk 1 mile in this heat to the bus stop. I turned around and asked her if she would like me to give her a ride to the bus stop. She accepted. Now, it was not without it's awkwardness, especially as Ayana called her by her first name, not Mommy, but God filled my heart with peace and compassion and I praised Him all the way home for working on my heart. Have I said recently that we have a really cool God? Walking His path brings so much peace...awesome!

The faces of a babe

Leeah is really beginning to interact with people more and more each day and these are just a few of the many faces she is using. She has a beautiful smile but I can not seem to capture that one on film. It is so fun to see her eyes brighten too. You can't see it in these photos but she has amazing eyelashes. Such a beautiful babe! AND those cheeks...so squishy and kissable!

Play until you drop?

Sometimes we play so hard that we pass out right in the middle with our beloved airplane tucked under our arm.

Desire

Funny thing about life, sometimes we can get lost in wants verses needs. During the peeks and valleys of this roller coaster we are on I actually find a bit more clarity...both can be considered desires. Of course there are the obvious material wants and needs, but then there are those emotional wants and needs, or desires of the heart, that do not always seem so black and white...but rather a mix of the two, making gray.
*I desire to play more with my kids
*I desire to laugh and be a lot less ridged
*I desire peace...in my family and my heart
*I desire God to be ever present and the complete focus of my heart and mind
*I desire deep, emotional and trusting relationships
*I desire joy in all circumstances, an area I struggle with daily
*I desire complete surrender of my heart to the will of God
*I desire to jump into life, full of hope and excitement
*I desire for all my loved ones who are struggling to seek out the help they need
*I desire contentment, whether in want or need
*I desire a humble heart in the face of God's grace and discipline

You know, the bottom line is our family is struggling with some heavy things right now, some things we did not even see coming, but the really cool part in all of this is how I see my hubby and I drawing closer and closer to our LORD. Do we desire difficult circumstance or people in our life, well no, but if it brings us into a better understanding of God than I will try joyfully to walk through the fire. And the part of this that is almost to awesome for words is what is waiting on the other side. I have no idea about how things will turn out but they will be for my good and the best for my family. It makes me smile to be this hopeful, not focused on what I fear but in what I know. We worship a really cool God!!!

A great day

I can't ever get them to all smile at the camera at the same time so silly pictures solves my problem and darn cute too!

I love how they look like they are giggling!

They both sure have infectous smiles!

Sun bathing beauties!

I had the wonderful opportunity to meet other families like ours at the zoo and play at one of the splash pads. I love getting together with other moms who are also multi-racial. One, because well I love meeting other moms and chatting the morning away. And two, because I feel like it is so important to expose my children to other families like ours. Our corner of the city is not very diverse and I try to take every opportunity to bond with these families...plus we get to have plain old fun!

A big THANK YOU to Aunt Stacie for braving the heat with me and helping with all the kids. It makes it so much easier to have an extra pair of hands and eyes, plus the kids love spending time with you!

Happy 2mths Leeah!

Leeah is 2 mths old today! She is smiling regularly and beginning to laugh too. It really does melt the heart to see this sweet baby smile. She is having a few issues...I think colic is setting in, which is hard day to day but will not last forever. She loves being held, mostly by me. She is kissed, snuggled, and loved on by 4 other kiddos and couldn't be more easy going when it comes to that.



Thank you Jesus for this sweet little girl. She is precious and yours, continue to bless her little heart and keep her safe from harm. Give her Mom peace today as she remembers her birth too. Thanks for entrusting us with her care. Amen

Welcome July

I cannot believe it is July already!!! This summer, thankfully, is skipping by. We spent the weekend at the cabin and oh my, it was refreshing. It rained a couple of times every and the kids just loved being outside. We didn't realize how much they were happy with running around, hiking to the creek and swinging on the tree swing. We decided we need to bring some bats, balls, and frisbees and they may nevercome back inside, except to eat of course. It was also a refreshing time for me spiritually; a great time to clear out all the emotional "noise" in my head. We got up early this morning and beat the rush of traffic home. I took these pictures when we got up north in Thurs afternoon. Both girls were so sweet. Where are the other kids you ask...well, I left my battery charger at home and my battery died...oops! Next time I guess. Aren't they so beautiful?
So here comes July...we have many things going on this month and then it will be August and time to prepare for school. My hope for the rest of the summer is to spend a little bit of time getting a more organized and a lot more time playing with my kids. What are your hopes for the rest of the summer?

Stuck in the mud

This is my new description for how I have been feeling as we are going through all these court hearings trying to do what is in the best interest for Nathan. I feel like I am standing in a muddy pit, my feet are stuck and I see, in the distance about 5 different roads that all lead out of the pit but no clear path to any of them. We have been facing the very real reality that he may not be with us much longer. We have been hoping and praying that God intervenes on his behalf and protects him from such a sudden and damaging transition. We have been crying as if we have an ill child who may not recover and facing what will feel like a loss of a child. We find ourselves some days deep, deep into despair. How do we reconcile a loss like this? When we took that giant step of obedience in March of 2007 the peace, joy and awesome power of God poured from our souls. We always knew in the back of our mids that this could be temporary, but 2 1/2 yrs later temporary desperately wants to become permanent. These days of uncertainty never crossed our minds back then, and I often find myself thinking "oh man, if I knew then what I know now I may have made a different choice." That must be why God doesn't ask us to sit and ponder the "what if's" before He asks us to jump into an unknown situation, He simply says go.

Although my heart is breaking over the unknown I can say without hesitation that we would not have done anything different on the March day. That was the moment God picked up our feet and moved us onto a new path, one that has made us trust God more and more. We are reaching out for Jesus much like the woman did as He was passing her by, hoping to touch Him, even if it was only his garment. He will give us the strength to get through what ever is ahead.

The interesting thing is I find myself being able to relate to Abraham. He prayed and prayed for a son and God gave him one. I can almost feel the joy and celebration in his heart as he began to watch this precious child grow, and I can almost feel the astonishment when God asked him to sacrifice that very son. I wonder if he slept that night as he realized what was going to happen the next morning. Did he scream out to God "how could you give me this son, only to take him away?" Did he try to bargain with Him? Did he sob uncontrollably like I have? I wonder if Abraham had moments of doubt, especially when his son asked where the lamb was? Did he want to grab his child and run away? I wish I knew the answers to these questions, but what I do know I cling to as hard as I can. God provided the lamb! In the final moments God sent His divine intervention and saved Abraham's son. We are praying for our own "lamb" to come, so we wait on the Lord. And if that lamb does not come then we will be leaning on our Lord more than ever to get us through each day.

Lord, you gave us this son, help us find the peace to trust your will. We need you! We cannot walk through this mud without your light. And we pray for the lamb to be provided as we cannot even imagine living life without him. You know our pain Lord, for you too had to give up your child, so please bring us comfort in the days and months to follow. Your love is overwhelming and we praise you. Lord, reign in our lives. Amen

Is it that scary?

We all went swimming last night as a family and I then was so tired I went to bed with damp hair and when I woke my sweet, encouraging daughter said these lovely words to me...

"Um Mom, have you looked in the mirror this morning? Scary!"

Thanks honey, appreciate the brutal honesty! I will definitely try hard to look less scary in the mornings. Another cup of coffee anyone?