Special day = special outfit

My totally awesome sister in law has made Ayana her very special adoption day outfit! It is a blessing to given such a personal gift to celebrate such an important day in our family. I can't wait to see her in it in 2 weeks.

PS The "H" is because she is changing her name to Hannah Marie

For the LOVE of hair

Another attempt at a Valentine hair-do. This one got whoops and squeals not only from the gorgeous daughter but also the awesome Dad. Every time he sees her he just smiles and says how much he loves her hair and how lucky she is to have a Mommy who does it so cool! I love the support!!!

The little puff braids are supposed to b4e off center. I should have made them a little more dramatic since it sort of looks like I did a poor job matching them up. Again, I have a few more weeks to perfect something for the special 'LOVE" day!

Healing the body, mind and spirit

When I am feeling poopy...when my lovies pass their germs on to me then I want to go back to something that feeds not only my body, but also my mind and spirit...Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup. It was warm and comforting and now I am going to take a hot shower and head to bed early tonight in hopes to feel better tomorrow.

Apples and Oranges

We can agree that apples and oranges are fruit, but that is where their similarities stop. One can be sweet and makes some amazing pie and the other sour, which if you like that can be just as good. I guess that is why people use the slogan "It's like comparing apples to oranges.". Well my two on-going caseworkers at CPS are like comparing apples to oranges. One is amazing, I would even call her my friend. I imagine we will remain friends long after our time as caseworker and foster parents ends. (She has said in the past she can't wait so we can meet for play dates, send Christmas cards, etc) She knows her job and does it well, not for the money, which is really a joke, but because she cares for children and their well being. She often works more than her "40 hrs" to get the job done and done well. She is an answer to prayer because CPS is full of issues...she is a bright light in a dark room. And then there is my other caseworker. She and I have had our "issues". Unfortunately for me she has made some assumptions about me and I have not been able to break those ideas in her head. I can honestly say that she does her job...period. She doesn't give it an extra ounce of her time, nor does she even give much thought to the struggles we have had/been having with Nathan. I call or email her and it takes a week or more to get back to me. She goes to work, works her 40 hrs, leaves and doesn't think twice about the impact her decisions as the casework have on the children charged in her care. That may sound a bit harsh, even judgmental, because truly I don't know her heart, but her actions speak louder than anything her heart says. I describe her as an EGR, that is "Extra Grace Required. I am polite, respectful and contact her only when I need to. I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to the day Nathan's file is officially assigned to the adoptions caseworker. She has not made this past 2 yrs very easy. But you know what, that is ok. I have endured, I will continue to endure, and this is just a season. I have no idea her personal story and how much that impacts her work.

Through this whole journey I am thankful for both kinds of caseworker though. I adore my one caseworker. I look forward to the future friendship we will have. I am excited that she is coming to Ayana's adoption hearing to join us in the celebration. I am thankful for my other casework. She is teaching me how to have patience with things I cannot control. CPS is full of caseworkers...both good, mediocre, bad and ugly...but I believe God has placed each of these individuals in their job to save children...to be their voice. I am thankful there are people willing to do this type of job, with all the stress and discomfort it causes them, because of the children.

They may be apples and oranges but both are fruit and we all need a little variety in the fruit bowl.

Practicing for Valentine's hair

I have been on some amazing hair blogs lately and they are showcasing some cute Valentine's hair styles. I have always stuck with the easy braids with pink, red and heart beads but I wanted to get a little more adventurous. I saw on one blog that they made a cornrow heart and I wanted to give it a try. I am starting early so I can adjust my technique as the holiday gets closer. If you look closely you can see a heart with the braid closest to the hair pulled back into a puff. I think I need to start my heart with a deeper curve in the center and maybe not so wide to make it look more like a heart. I also did a puff and added a fabric strip tie which blocks half the heart. I have a few more weeks to perfect this style for the holiday. She is happy as a lark...so how much I may critique it really doesn't matter.

Dress up

Samantha had some friends over yesterday and they of course wanted to play dress up. Samantha wanted to include Leah for the first time and although the dresses are all really big on her she was a good sport and danced around as best as she could. She liked the Tinker Belle dress the most.

When did she start getting so big??

Set into motion

It is coming, whether we think we are ready or not, it IS going to happen. We are going to be 'forever' parents to our sweet Nah-nah, Banana. We are going to be her family...forever! HEAVY, heavy thoughts. We have prayed for this, we have celebrated all the joyous milestones to get here, we have waited ever so patiently for God's timing in all this and now, less than a month away the reality is setting in and I am having a hard time. I am not struggling with the decision to adopt, because truly, God orchestrated this, and He is creating our family. I am struggling with the whole idea of being a parent again. Ok, ok, I have always been 'the parent', and in reality nothing is really going to change in the day to day care for her, but I am going to be her mother...forever! Does this seem huge to anyone else but me?

When I got married, I knew someday we would have kids. I longed for pregnancy, childbirth, and having a newborn to care for. I couldn't wait to create a little person with my husband that would be the best of both of us. I think we succeed pretty darn good. Jacob and Samantha are a blessing only from God...loving them is easy, it is natural. I never once questioned my love or ability to care for them or meet their needs. I found being a parent such a fulfilling job...it was almost text book to what I had day dreamed about.

When we decided to do foster care, I was eager to jump in and rescue. It was easy to take a little one into the home, care for them, give them hugs and kisses...it was all short term so the hard parts were easy to endure. But that is just it...short term! It is about to no longer be short term but forever. I have never felt more ill-equipped than I do right now. She has challenges that some days I feel like I am pulling my hair out and barley making it through. She is uniquely created, and she is a gift...I have never doubted that, but wow, it is a much bigger deal to choose to love someone. And we are choosing. I have taken for granted how easy it has been for me to love Jacob and Samantha because as I walk this path of adoption I am choosing to love Ayana. It is so humbling to be called to love another child. It is overwhelming to. I know I have enough love, but do I really have what it takes to help her, to give her all she needs in the midst of her challenges? These are the kinds of questions that I am wrestling with. I want desperately to love her, to give her a healthy image of God, and to be her earthly comforter...but will that be enough? I am scared...I fear rejection...I always have. I think too much about the future and whether or not she will be angry we adopted her. I think about the possibility that she will reject us as her parents some day...can I really handle that kind of rejection?

Deep, deep stuff! Of course I have these moments of fear and weakness and I am fully aware that God is the Master Healer. I pray daily that He would grow in her a spirit of understanding in the reasons for her adoption. I pray that she will be happy in our family. I pray that through the 'normal' challenges raising a child can bring that she will turn to God, turn to me...her mother, when she needs. I pray I am the mother she will want and need when her heart is breaking. I know God had brought her here and I know, truly without a doubt that we are meant to be her parents. This world is messy. I pray I have the courage to tell her the truth of her adoption and bring honor to her birth mom despite the choices she made. The verse in Jeremiah have never meant more than they do right now...

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Relief...what amazing relief .

Thank you Lord for your Word. What a comfort...what an amazing opportunity to once again give up all control of my future and let you make the path for me to follow. Ayana is your daughter that you have graciously let us borrow for a time. I commit to you that we will give her all we have, instruct her in your ways and love her as you have loved us. Thank you for such a blessing of responsibility. Forgive me for my weaknesses...I cling to you! Amen.

One more...just love them!

Giving "AirKisses"...what a hoot!

"Snow" Unforgetable

Our annual trip to the cabin in the snow last weekend had some highlights and some very low lights. Of course the fun in the weekend had to involve snow and once again we were not disppointed. To our surprise two weeks after our huge snow storm there was still about 18inches in the ground. It was crunchy, hard and made for sledding..which translates into speed! All the kids enjoyed themselves, and look forward to this trip every year.

The low lights...well, we had Ayana up there spike a high fever...still don't know where that came from. She never had any onther symptoms. She stayed in the cabin most of the weekend although we did let her out for about 15min to get a few runs down the hill right before we left. Then, like clock work it seems all the other kids decided vomitting and poo problems would rotate both nights...all that is except for Nathan who slept through all the drama both nights. We soiled many a blankets and clothes and there is no washer at the cabin! So, a nice bag of laundry began to pile up and we promtly put the smelly stuff outside on the porch. Oh these are trips that make us laugh hysterically...so why not sing 99 Bottles of Beer in the Wall at 3am? (Well, at least we all joined for a good laugh when I started singing.) Would we have rather stayed home...no, we love the snow trip, but I will say that washer has been on overload this week.

Silly girl....she was "helping" Mommy get packed by wearing Daddy's boots.

That is one good looking man...



This is a funny shot of him hugging his snowman, although a bit dark as it was sunset.



This the noext morning in the sunshine...he went all by himself!!! He is gaining so much courage these days.

Creating our own snow showers.

Our inside fans watching us sled...you could hear their squeals from outside every time someone went down the hill.

Dress Rehearsal

Today I took Ayana and Leah to a very special event...the adoption hearing for their older sister. Asjiah was placed with our family in 2008 for 10mths. She then moved to a family more equipped to help her and they finalized her adoption today! It was a humbling time when we made the hard decision to have her leave our home. We prayed and prayed for her and God was faithful!! He gave her the perfect family...the family He wanted to be her forever. The Armenta's are amazing...I treasure them. I feel so blessed to be building a relationship with them so these girls will always have a connection.

Congratulations....may you be blessed!

This is not a great picture because it was with my cell phone, but the girls were all smiles and enjoying seeing each other.

Snow Trip 2011

We made it up to the cabin for the long weekend to play in the snow! It was one heck of a trip, a post for another time! I got a great picture of the kids and had to share right away! I love their smiles and all I see in genuine love for each other which just blesses my heart as the adoption process moves towards finalization.

Mr. Smart Guy

Jacob's glasses came in today and he couldn't have waited much longer. He sure is handsome!

Low Fat Chicken Quasadillas

In an effort to start the New Year eating a little better I got on the internet searching for some new ideas and tried a couple out this week. This Chicken Quasadilla recipe was a huge hit with all our family.

1 can Rotel
1 package of breast tenderloins
jack cheese (I mixed colby and jack cheese)
avocado
salsa (if desired)
sour cream (if desired, a must in our house)
whole wheat tortillas

Pour can of Rotel into a  skillet, add chicken and cook until the juice is gone. I also cut the chicken after it cooked to make it easier for my little ones to eat. Grade cheese, cut avocado. Lay whole wheat tortilla on pan, add cheese, chicken and avocado, fold in half, cook, flipping sides until cheese is melted. Cut into triangles and enjoy!

20 mths today

WOW, this little peanut is 20mths old! What can i say...her expression pretty much sums up who she is. She is a HOOT! She is keeping us on our toes for sure. She throws herself down on the ground screaming when she doesn't get what she wants...I thought this didn't happen until 2. She is also so funny and brings our family unimaginable joy! We went back to the neurologist today and will begin physical and speech therapy and hopefully have some improvement in 4 months when they want to re-evaluate. In addition her parents' severance trail begins this months too. So much to be praying for...it is not exactly a cut and dry case like for Ayana but we are trusting God's plan for her and know He is in control of her future...for now, we love and adore her and enjoy just about every moment.

But my 'bubble' works for me...

Oh that BUBBLE...you know the one we choose to live in; the one that is safe, comfortable and nothing bad ever seems to happen. The same bubble that, on occassion, can pop but we quickly try with all our might to get back into. The holidays this year were a mixed bag for me. I love enjoying this holiday with my husband and kids. There is a real peace when we all snuggle on the couch, the tree lights on and watch a movie together...my bubble. I was equally happy about my brother coming to AZ for Christmas and seeing him  and his girlfriend play with my kids reminded me of being a kid all over again. (Aunts and Uncles are BEST!) But mixed with all the joy was a few realities I experienced that have left me feeling sad and disappointed in the midst of great joy. It's kinda like the candy cane...red and white, twisted and mixed together. Red, sin and white, Life (Jesus)...it tastes good, I wouldn't change it, but the red mixed in is hard to miss.

These "things" that popped my bubble I wish I could share in detail, but I can't. It is either too hard for me and/or not my information to share. I don't like carrying a burden of knowing things about others and not I being able to do anything to change it. You all know me...I want to jump in there and fix everything; make this world, others' lives, better (be the Great Rescuer). I also struggle with fairness. I have a feeling God will spend the better part of 2011 teaching me all about this. When I see something I think is wrong, and I mean seriously wrong, it takes every part of me to not want to do something about...to make these people face consequences for their choices. I am baffled by what people with do...their selfishness...their total lack of concern over what is at stake.

Boy do I sound all high and mighty or what? Like I am so much better. Like my 'sins' are any less sinful to God? OUCH! Funny how when I finally start to write things down, start to get out all my pent up emotions God just whispers ever so softly in my ear His truth...and a whole lot of grace. I guess one of my hot buttons is when parents choose to do something illegal and have kids. I pray constantly that they will find some truth in the choices they are making without the children having to suffer consequences. It hits home...I have three beautiful blessings in my home because their parents made choices...and these children have suffered. They didn't ask for the challenges in their life, and by God's grace He saved them from their hell. He is giving them a future. So no, my sins are not better...but I am trying like heck to make myself more to the image of God. I want to create a home, a place that is real, true, honest, safe...a different type of bubble. I want to create a bubble where God's hands are the outside and He is breathing life into my family. I want my Lord and Savior to guide us down His path...with all our imperfections and all. I don't want the evil things in this world to corrupt our bubble, but to bounce off and be squashed by God. Will I be able to keep our family drama free, evil free, no, but I want us to be strong in the Lord so that when the world's influences of drugs, sex, immorality, etc come knocking we will reject its luster and reflect God's love and grace. What a challenge living in this world presents and yet we were not put here to be swallowed up either.

When my bubble gets popped and the reality of a fallen world hits...I will remember this...

My devotional reading for today, Januray 4, 2011...Jesus speaking to me...

"I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, "I trust you, Jesus." in response to whatever happens to you. If there is time, think about who I AM in all My power and Glory. Ponder also the depth and breath of my Love for you. This simple practice will help you see Me in every situation, acknowledging My sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective - through the Light of My universal Presence - fear loses its grip on you. Adverse circumstance become growth opportunities when you affirm your trust in Me no matter what. You receive blessings gratefully, realizing they flow directly from My hand of grace. Your continual assertion of trusting Me will strengthen our relationship and keep you close to Me."

Awwwwww, what a relief. I don't have to be in control of what happens around me. Thank you Lord for reminding me, even in my disappointment of others that you are sovereign and YOU know what you are doing. Thank you for the multitude of blessings our family has received. Lord, I pray, humbled and broken for those I love to make a choice to shed what is in the world, embrace your love and find peace and joy in your hope for their life. Amen

Desert Trail

 With my brother and Linda in town for Christmas our gift was an awesome 2 hours trail ride around Suargo Lake. If you ever want a nice, quiet, relaxing time away from the crazy world around us the Suargo Lake Ranch's trail rides are perfect. We all enjoyed every moment and the sceneary, well we all know about how beautfitul the desert can be. Shane and I have actually talked about taking the big kids on this same ride next Christmas. These are the great pictures from our adventure!

 I just love him so much!!!



Welcome 2011

Happy New Year!

We ran in the new year with a Back to the Future marathon!!! The kids fell in love with those movies last night. We also bought a few sparklers and enjoyed a quick celebration in the backyard. We hope everyone has a blessed 2011!!