Dose of reality

I am sure it is no surprise but I tend to live in my Christian, love everyone, trust everyone, bubble. At my core I truly believe the best in everyone. I believe most people I interact in my life believe only good things about me, because I tend to do that to them. This week I was given yet again another dose of reality in that idea just isn't always true.

Foster care has certainly been an adventure, that is no surprise to any one who read my blog regularly. You go to classes, get 'prepared', and begin the journey. You assume, or at least my upbeat, optimistic self assumes, that the path is basically the same every time. Well, of course that is just not so. Our journey has been unique in the way children have come into our home. Of course Hannah came the traditional way, she was removed by CPS and placed with us while her mom worked to get her life in order. That is the typical path of foster care. But Hannah's mom continues to have babies, and CPS prefers placed siblings together. So we keep growing...and growing...and growing. You get the point. This unique set of circumstances has also meant that I have interacted with a mom in crisis for nearly 6 years. She has in the past been very polite and even opened up to me about her struggles. I made a point of going to just about every court hearing and learn as much as I could about her, her past and how to talk to our now adopted kids about her when they are ready. I have prayed, and prayed for her. I have prayed that she would finally hit bottom and get the help she needs. I have had compassion for her situation growing up, which is tragic in it's own right. I have struggled with her choices and how they affect her children. And, despite those horrific choices we still have felt called by God to take her newest little ones into our home to show them unconditional love, stability and in the cases so far, permanency. We take her children KNOWING there will challenges, some not even known until they are much older...but we see them and love them.

With all this it is even more heartbreaking to find out this mom feels I am the cause of her newest son's seizures. She has told several people, including the caseworker that my care has caused him to have seizures. It is a knife to the heart for sure. I am absolutely confident in the truth, it is not the accusation that gets me it is  rather the false thinking. I cannot not change her thinking, no amount of effort, compassion, prayer can change HER thinking. She of course has no basis for this type of accusation, in fact the caseworker has all the documentation he needs to prove that her drugs use is the direct cause. And I will say he never for a moment believe her, but still, it is just sad. Sad that she cannot take responsibility, heck even acknowledge her role in his issues. I have been hit yet again with the fact that no matter how nice I am to her, give her pictures of her children regularly, do all the things she asks of me in their care, I am yet another person to blame as to why she does not have her kids. So, while I will continue to still be 'me' I know that it is time to set a few boundaries...even if it is just for me. I will be nice and polite, I will still show the light of Jesus, but I will not be going out of my way to accommodate her and the requests she makes. I cannot no longer put more effort into maintaining her relationship with her kids, (the current foster babies, not adopted ones). I am sad to say that she may never change...how heartbreaking. I fully expect that if my adult children choose to seek her out she will most likely be in the same exact place.

If I let it, I could certainly get depressed about it. I mean seriously, from one mama hear to another I have no idea why she wouldn't do everything to change. These are questions that have no answers for. But I have a HOPE that transcends all the icky parts of this life. I have a God who loves me, loves these babes so much more that I ever could and HAS rescued them. He has seen to their future, and has intervened, breaking a cycle, (that is the hope anyway). I will continue to put my hope, my trust, in His plan. I am excited to see the future of these kids...they actually HAVE a future now, and it is good, bright and so full of possibility. Blessed be the name of the Lord!!

SO while the revelation this week about my care has stung, it has not knocked me down or made me falter in why we are walking this path...it has given me a new understanding and focus to go forward.