6mths...how can that be??

It has been over 6 months since I have posted here. So much, and I mean so much, has gone on these long, but short months. I have sat here several times to write, but the words, the motivation escaped me. So much can change and yet life does move on...people move on, the calendar moves on...and on, and on. I am not even sure where to start to catch up, to "get it all out"...I guess I will start with the right now and let the rest come up as needed.

I drove past the Irish Pub Samantha shaved here head at 4 years ago...4 YEARS ago! Crazy how fast time flies. That place, that event, all those years ago, it has fresh, new, personal meaning. She felt lead in the moment to shave her head for children with cancer, in fact, she had a girl in her class who had cancer the year before. Her heart was pure, and she did this for her...what a gift. Every year I watched on Facebook as the event came and went, every year with great success, and I always thought what a great thing to do for these kids! Then, May 19th, 2014 my two year old niece was diagnosed with Acute Lymphatic Leukemia. I watched her fight for her life, one battle after another, over the next 5mths until the Lord called her home Oct 24th, 2014. Not long into this new year the Facebook St. Baldrick's Event for 2015 began to pop up and I was frozen. I was now one of those whom childhood cancer had directly affected. I was a sister in law to a mom who now carried the burden of a child lost to cancer. I feel sick a lot of the time about it. See, I feel like I am watching from afar. I see some amazing strength coming from my sister in law and yet I know, because I am a mom, that the pain probably takes her breath away most days. I hate, absolutely detest, that I couldn't do anything to change what happened...I am after all in recovery for my controlling nature, and find it really easy to "do" in crisis. Well, there was nothing to "do" in this, and that totally sucks.

As I drove through the parking lot of the restaurant I began to pray, "Lord, can I honor Lucy in this way?" "Lord, I do not want this to be about me?" "Can I really do this and not fall apart emotionally, letting go of the pain as the hair falls?" See, this has gotten so personal. This isn't about shock value, and people noticing the sacrifice...this is about her...this is about other children like her. This is about giving up something, I mean, let's just put it all out there, giving up my hair, my vanity, a certain level of my "beauty", or what the world deems as beauty for a woman. I asked Samantha if she had any regrets and she replied, "Nope! But mom, it was hard. Way harder than I thought. People staring at me. It made me feel weird." She was 7 then, 11 now and it is still profound for her. I am 38 and am filled with similar fears. This is what I need to work through, because this cannot be about ME. I have to be able to confidently look at myself in the mirror and remind myself, even on those hard days, that this is about her. Can I do that?? I just don't know. I tend to make emotional, rash decisions. I get caught up in the moment, abandon all sense of logic. (Sooooooo thankful for a husband that balances that out for me!!) This is about her, and I wonder if it is too early in the grieving process and that I am making a purely emotional decision. This has to be about her...honoring her fight, her struggle, her spirit. If you take a moment and pray for me over the next several days I would would be blessed.

Lucy