One month ago today I was called by CPS and told they wanted to place the sibling to my girls with us ASAP. As of today it has not yet been resolved. It has been an emotional roller coaster for me. It has made me realize a huge seed of distrust I carry deep in my heart. A distrust of people and sadly, God. It pains me to even be this open and admit this on a public blog. I mean seriously, my 'head' is very aware of God's plan in our lives. I can name countless times He has shown up and taken control and yet it hasn't completely healed the distrust I carry at my core. Awareness is the always the the first step to change right?
On Monday of this week I called AGAIN the cps caseworker and she miraculously answered the phone. (This is huge...they almost never answer...another source of frustration!) Oh and just a side bar to all this story, this is the 3rd or 4th caseworker assigned to this case in 6 weeks...the 'system' is seriously broken! Anyway, she informed me there was an emergency placement mtg at noon and asked if I could come. I rushed to get a friend to babysit Grace and drove out to Glendale to meet the current foster mom and see birth mom for the first time in a year and a half. I also ordered current pictures from the one hour photo to give her updated ones of the girls. Seems like such a small gift to the woman God choose to bring my babes into this world.
The meeting was surprising in many ways. There are so many people who have cared and loved this little girl. She is blessed for sure! The biggest surprise, and it is something that has stuck with me ever since, is what birth mom said about me. The mediator went around the table and asked who each of us was and what we thought was best. I expressed my only desire was for baby A to be is the best place possible, even if that wasn't with us. Mom said something very moving and impactful. She said if the baby couldn't be with her Aunt, "then I want her with Kristen because I trust her the most." I felt my heart swell and was stunned for a moment. I have always worked very, very hard at showing birth moms that I respect who they are in their child's life. We never began foster care with intention of filling up any holes we had, but wanted to give ourselves selflessly to the process and these sweet innocent babes. I have often wondered what birth mom thought about me. I mean, I worked on the 'side' of cps from her perspective and I adopted her kids. She could certainly come to many judgmental conclusions about me if she wanted to, but she hasn't. And while she may not agree with the circumstances she is in now, she doesn't see me as the enemy and for that I am eternally thankful! I am thankful that God showed me the correct way to show His love, because that is the only way this could have happened. We ended up having a very open and honest conversation in the parking lot after the meeting and it felt more like we were peers than adversaries. Again, only by the grace of God.
So where in the process are we now?? Still waiting for a decision. I did speak with the caseworker just this morning, and there is a tentative plan in place we just need final, verbal approval from the attorney on the new plan. I spoke with the current foster mom and we are working out meeting up for us to get the baby if everything goes the way the caseworker describe. So, again we trust in God's plan for this little girl, and if we end up with her we are grateful for His timing even if it is not at all been comfortable for me. And that is it isn't it? He asks us to be obedient to His call, will, plan, timing, etc and grows us by leaps and bounds if we allow Him to during the wait. Amen for that!
