I am having one of those times where I feel like I am failing in my job as Mom. I know I am letting God down, and I have not been His light to my children. I just get more and more embarrassed with myself when I let those words sink in and I try to run like heck away from the conviction. I am struggling with being "grumpy mom" all the time these days. I hate that some days all I do is discipline, or at least that's what it feels like. I finally got an opportunity to chat with a friend this weekend, (thanks Suzy!). She is so good to me, and I get more from her than I give, but she is ever faithful to me. We talked about a lot of things, but our "spiritual life" conversation is the one that has been resonating with me. Where am I spiritually? If I answer that questions with brutal honesty...yikes! I have seen God move in my heart with regards to surrender and trusting, but I have been running at a full sprint away from Him with regards to my parenting. Ok, so can we say control issues? It seems like when I am letting go of one thing I grab another and hang on tighter than before...that makes no sense. Last summer I bought a bible study book with full intentions of completing it before fall study, well that was a year ago and I never started it. Suzy reminded me of that study this weekend. At first, I dismissed it. But God dropped that book back in my lap yesterday so I can't really ignore it. He does have His timing! I read the first chapter and of course it is speaking directly to me...duh! (Reminded me why I wanted to do it last year.) The title "The Bathtub is Overflowing but I feel Drained" by Lysa Terkeurst. (She is a part of Proverbs 31 Ministries) The following is a quote from the book that is exactly my hope...
"Changing your perspective on motherhood will not happen in one day. There will not be a moment when you feel a magical transformation occur. Instead, you will learn over the course of this book that you can make little decisions each day that will transform your motherhood experience. Each decision will build on itself. Bit by bit you will find that the right decision lead to hope, and hope leads to transformation. 2 Peter 1:5-6 says 'Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge self-control; and to self control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, LOVE.' Just as the virtues mentioned in this verse build upon themselves, so one good choice leads to another choice and results in a change in your life."
Can I get a big AMEN!!! Finding hope when feeling a bit down and out sure can make my whole body feel better...from my head to my toes. I can sense the change coming and I am excited. I want to be the same Mom whether or not "people" are watching, because God is always watching and He is who I desire to pursue.