I am almost done reading a book called "Grace for the Good Girl" by Emily P. Freeman. I am reading it as part of a leadership retreat for our woman's ministry group. I have had this book for over a month and I actually started reading it shortly after I got it but then stopped because frankly the 'truths' in the book are convicting. Would I say I am a "good girl"? Probably. Have I made some intensely profound mistakes in my life? Yes. I find myself in this weird place of agreeing with so much the book describes because I think deep at my core I care too much about right and wrong. The way this book describes a 'good girl' I do fit it to a tee...and it hurts. I picked the book up again this past weekend because I need to have it read for discussion on Saturday and I must be in a place to hear it this time because I haven't really been able to put it down. It is not hurting any less reading it but I am anxious to keep going in hopes for the resolution (and hope) I am sure the end of the book brings.
Some of the hardest parts of this book for me to swallow have to do with pleasing people. I was the kids in school who wanted to be everyone's friend but was so ill-equipped to understand what that means and how that works. I see in my oldest daughter this same characteristic except she is thriving in the best way possible. God has made her intensely social and this desire to be everyone's friend. She does what I never was able to achieve...she doesn't worry about making sure everyone is happy. She has not put herself in the middle of her friends making sure the balance is right and making sure there is 'peace' between all the girls. She is able to set appropriate boundaries and doesn't wallow in shame if one of the girls challenges her boundary. She will say to one girl, "I want to spend a little one on one time with so and so and then we can go swing if you want." Then she bounces away confidently. Amazing! And the girls in the past year especially have grown to respect that about her because she is a young girl with great integrity and she follows through with what she says. They can trust her. Without sounding like a downer, it is my greatest hope that she can maintain this way of thinking/living in all her relationships as she grows...I pray, I hope desperately for the little girl inside me who didn't have nearly the confidence she has. I am so proud of her. See, I couldn't handle the rejection. I couldn't handle if someone else felt rejected by me, so I would waiver in my convictions to make sure that person 'felt' good. I couldn't handle being rejected. I would change myself in order to 'fit' into the box I had to be in at the moment. This book talks about wearing masks and I am a pro. The following quote nailed this concept on the head for me...
"That's how the mask wearing begins...For everyone, something happens that leads to a feeling be it rejection or fear or elation or pride. And that feeling becomes a belief deeply ingrained and carefully coddled. In turn, that belief turns into ways we choose to cope with things and live our lives."
I think deep in my core for some reason I just wanted to be accepted so badly. And if I wanted to be accepted so badly than that must mean I have to accept EVERYBODY and make myself what ever I needed to be for the given situation. The big problem with that is I never accepted myself to begin with and therefore how could I offer true, authentic relationship to anyone. Makes so much sense!!!! I think this must be the fundamental difference between Samantha and I. She absolutely accepts herself for who God created her to be. Shane and I have been pounding that into our children's head from day one. She cares and feels deeply, authentically about each one of her friends but she is not trying to make them like her...they either do or they don't. Even as children we crave authenticity in our relationships. When we are authentic we can find those places of strength and confidence. She is certainly my example.
So much more to share from this book...
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