Transition

I find myself is a weird place these days. I have never been a fan of change and flexibility, which is why I know God has a sense of humor because seriously, look at my life! It is all about change and flexibility. Funny thing is while I KNOW I have improved in this area of life there are always times when while in the transitions I can be filled with doubt and uncertainty.

It is no surprise that I sit her in my house and think, "Lord, how in the world do we fit all these kids in the house?" This question does not come from a place of discontent, at least I don't think so anyway. I long for a bigger house. I long to have a space I can go to when I need a mommy break. This house does not offer me that retreat. I long for silly things too. Things like double door entry...weird huh? I long endlessly for a laundry room that is a room all by itself and can accommodate our family. Are these desires ok? My faith constantly tells me to be content in all things, to be thankful for what God has provided. Sometimes I get confused on the line between desires and discontent. I am looking into my backyard right now as I type this and think, "Wow, what a haven out there for my kids to play!" We are truly blessed with this house, and I have no doubt we are where we are supposed to be, even if my "longings" sometimes cloud that image.

I am filled with irrational fear today too because we are about to order and buy a 12 passenger vehicle!! WE ARE NUTS!! We did a test drive last, have been patient and praying endlessly for months about this choice and yet it seems very scary. Why?? Unfortunately I have several stereotypes in my head about people with 12 or more passenger vehicles and they are not very good. Ouch...kinds sucks to admit that. I see this vehicle as something we need to follow the path we find ourselves on, and frankly to maintain any sort of sanity in the car! (My kids will all have at least one seat in between them...wooohooo!) So what the heck am I afraid of?? I am afraid of judgement. Period. I realize we are an unconventional family and so many have shared their feelings about our life...some good and others not. Buying this vehicle just puts it our there for everyone to see...."Look, there goes the family that can't say no." Admit it, some of you have thought that if not actually said it to someone else. I want you to know it is ok, because I have had those same thoughts. Obviously we have to say 'no' at some point, I have no intention of being the Duggers, but right now we feel called to care for children who are vulnerable and in serious need of a home, love and care. God has proven over and over and over again that we are on His path, His provision and blessings are so great it brings tears to my eyes. These are the things I desperately hold on too in moments of doubt.

And the biggest thing weighing me down is a little life not yet born. If you have not heard, our girls' mom is pregnant yet again. We found out back in May and have been on our knees ever since. This little life, not sure if it is a boy or girl, is in danger. The loss of all 8 of her other children has not made any difference in her lifestyle and that is so heartbreaking. Sometimes it feels like we love her children, even the unborn ones, more than she does, but that is just because our definitions of love are different. I have been blessed this week by someone who has given me her beautiful bassinet, bouncy seat, and infant clothes because I told her about this new baby last week. WOW, tears once again. I sit and see these gifts in my front room and weep for this baby who is so innocent. How can we turn our back on him/her? We can't...and that freaks me out!! Lord willing, in December I will have two babies potentially just under 12 mths apart. Fear??? YOU BET! I cry for him/her and have so much hope for their future because our hearts are over flowing with love for babies just like this and can actually do something to change their future. We are not sure what that means specifically except that there is a warm bed, plenty of hugs and love here for as long as God sees fit. We pray for any future foster babies that may come to us and their permanent home, whether that is a birth mom who changes her life or an adoptive home. And just because I know we are doing what we are called to do does not at all mean there is not fear marbled in the midst of it all.

We are so thankful for the encouragement of some many in our lives. So, during these transitions of our Fall I know we are going to be just fine. My hair may be a mess, and if I look crazy worn out just don't tell me because I already know. Hahahahah!!! There is a level of excitement that is mixed in with all these fears and that puts a big smile on my face. I just keep thinking about things like Christopher Columbus...he must have been freaked out of his mind to board a boat for what he hoped was not a cliff but a new land. He didn't let fear rule him or keep him from following the path he knew was God's plan. I know, it is a cheesy thought and a bit cliche, but it is also very, very true. So I will not let this fear keep me from doing what we know God's plan because if I did we could miss out on something extraordinary.