Well, here we are, 3.5 weeks after our dependency trail for Nathan and his brothers and we still have no decision from the judge. Could he really take the full 60 days to make this decision? My goodness...I hate waiting. God knows that and still finds it acceptable to teach me to wait....ok and draw nearer to Him and so on. Some days, some moments in a day, I have peace about this whole situation...and then there are those restless times too. Like today, I get a call from the casework that his mom has mailed a Halloween package, with candy and a shirt to him. (She is bringing it over this afternoon) Great!?!?!?! So many conflicting emotions all at once. Great, she is showing interest and buying him things. Not great that I have to 'share' him with her now. Great, that she is obviously thinking of him. Not great, that he has no idea who she is and how do I explain this to an almost 3yr old. Ok, now my tummy hurts....hahahah! But seriously, it is surreal being in this place where for 2.5 yrs I was his only mom, and not 1 month after she is released I am sharing him with her. (a bit humbling too) And then there was Baby Dedications at church last week, which by the way I LOVED the way we did it this time...goose bumps the whole time. My heart wanted to jump up and stand proud on the stage with this sweet boy, dedicating him to the Lord, because really through all this, I am learning more and more that he is not my child, but God's. I wanted to put him on that 'altar' in loving sacrafice to my Jesus and say out loud to the world, "Yes, he belongs to YOU and yes, I will care for him for what ever time he is with me!" In that moment I realized that every morning I can lay Nathan on that altar and give him to God, because every morning I have to give up my fear that I may actually loose my son. The son God gave in birth through another mother, but gave a life through me. This boy...my son in my heart will be 3 next week, and his future is truly in the hands of our Lord. I cannot think about too many days in the future at one time because frankly, I am taking one day at a time...he is here today...hopefully tomorrow, not sure about any other days ahead, and that makes me cry. So waiting is what we have been doing...waiting still is what we continue to do. Praying constantly about having peace and sucking as much joy out of each day as we can. Hug your children a little longer for time is flying by...
Lord, as each day passes doubt and fear seems to grow. I pray that those seeds dry out and blow away in the breeze because they have no place in my heart. I pray desperatly for this boy, whom you have loved completely and whom you desire to save. I lay him down before your feet in complete surrender to you and your will. He is yours, take him, protect him...save him, he is your son.
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