6mths...how can that be??

It has been over 6 months since I have posted here. So much, and I mean so much, has gone on these long, but short months. I have sat here several times to write, but the words, the motivation escaped me. So much can change and yet life does move on...people move on, the calendar moves on...and on, and on. I am not even sure where to start to catch up, to "get it all out"...I guess I will start with the right now and let the rest come up as needed.

I drove past the Irish Pub Samantha shaved here head at 4 years ago...4 YEARS ago! Crazy how fast time flies. That place, that event, all those years ago, it has fresh, new, personal meaning. She felt lead in the moment to shave her head for children with cancer, in fact, she had a girl in her class who had cancer the year before. Her heart was pure, and she did this for her...what a gift. Every year I watched on Facebook as the event came and went, every year with great success, and I always thought what a great thing to do for these kids! Then, May 19th, 2014 my two year old niece was diagnosed with Acute Lymphatic Leukemia. I watched her fight for her life, one battle after another, over the next 5mths until the Lord called her home Oct 24th, 2014. Not long into this new year the Facebook St. Baldrick's Event for 2015 began to pop up and I was frozen. I was now one of those whom childhood cancer had directly affected. I was a sister in law to a mom who now carried the burden of a child lost to cancer. I feel sick a lot of the time about it. See, I feel like I am watching from afar. I see some amazing strength coming from my sister in law and yet I know, because I am a mom, that the pain probably takes her breath away most days. I hate, absolutely detest, that I couldn't do anything to change what happened...I am after all in recovery for my controlling nature, and find it really easy to "do" in crisis. Well, there was nothing to "do" in this, and that totally sucks.

As I drove through the parking lot of the restaurant I began to pray, "Lord, can I honor Lucy in this way?" "Lord, I do not want this to be about me?" "Can I really do this and not fall apart emotionally, letting go of the pain as the hair falls?" See, this has gotten so personal. This isn't about shock value, and people noticing the sacrifice...this is about her...this is about other children like her. This is about giving up something, I mean, let's just put it all out there, giving up my hair, my vanity, a certain level of my "beauty", or what the world deems as beauty for a woman. I asked Samantha if she had any regrets and she replied, "Nope! But mom, it was hard. Way harder than I thought. People staring at me. It made me feel weird." She was 7 then, 11 now and it is still profound for her. I am 38 and am filled with similar fears. This is what I need to work through, because this cannot be about ME. I have to be able to confidently look at myself in the mirror and remind myself, even on those hard days, that this is about her. Can I do that?? I just don't know. I tend to make emotional, rash decisions. I get caught up in the moment, abandon all sense of logic. (Sooooooo thankful for a husband that balances that out for me!!) This is about her, and I wonder if it is too early in the grieving process and that I am making a purely emotional decision. This has to be about her...honoring her fight, her struggle, her spirit. If you take a moment and pray for me over the next several days I would would be blessed.

Lucy 

First day of school 2014

This makes our move finally feel complete and official! The kids are all in different schools and the first part of the adventure began today. Gilbert public schools stated their new year today!! Jacob started Jr High at Desert Ridge Jr High and he is luck enough to be going with his best friend! Hannah, Nathan and Grace began at Meridian Elementary and all were very excited. It does my heart good to know they are confident, secure and ready to embrace this new year! Our Grace is officially a kindergartner! She is definitely ready and ran off to the swings are after one final hug!

Samantha begins are her new school on Monday the 11th...her pictures to follow next week!

Happy 13th Birthday Jacob

Hard to believe, but our oldest son is thirteen today! Where has the time gone? He is such a great young man. I know, every mom says that about her kid...but seriously, he is amazing. When I watch him with our foster kids, sometimes the pride spills out, sometimes I sit in quiet observance of his tender heart. It is truly a joy to have Jacob feel led/called to this life too. (And we certainly would make it look as easy if it weren't for his helpfulness)

Happy birthday son...we love you mucho grande!

Half way

Little man turned 6mths old this week. I am always amazed at how fast it goes once it comes even though there were some nights and early mornings I thought I was out of my mind with two babies so close in age. He is a joy! He brings so many smiles to our lives. Sadly, as of now we will have to say good bye to this little face in Sept, as the State has decided to send him back to birth mom. We have mixed emotions, as it is always best to be with your birth family if the situation is safe, but the bond we have, and our girls have with him will be missed desperately. I am not sure what the future holds, we keep praying for some last minute divine intervention, but also, just in case, we are praying for our hearts and the kids to be able to let go. We are enjoying each moment we have as the fall will come quickly. Please continue to pray for him...that God has his back, and that he would be safe whatever is the final decision.

Memorial Day Weekend

Our first patriotic holiday in our new community! We have been to a few speaking engagements hosted by the developers and learned that creating "community" is a big, big deal for them. Their designs center around this idea. To show honor and respect for those who have served and/or are serving the asked for volunteers to place small flags around the park perimeters. I jumped on this opportunity. First, I have several family members currently serving...I want to make sure I do everything I can to show my support of their work. Second, this was a really, really easy thing for my kids to do! So, Friday morning we were up bright and early serving in our new community...and the kids can't wait to do it again for flag day and 4th of July!

SpLaSh PaD

We do not have a pool a our new house, not entirely sure we will be getting one anytime soon, but our community has a splash pad and on a hot afternoon it does the trick. It is walking distance, (our in our case golf cart distance with babies). We have gone a few times, but these pictures are from our first trip there a couple weeks back.

Grace Shaylene's 5th Birthday Party

We have a blast celebrating this beauty and her 5th birthday!! She is a joy, and we are lucky and blessed to be her parents. Hard to believe she is 5!!! We have an ICE CREAM SUNDAE party!