Hard Lesson in Perseverance

So I have had a hard day, one that I haven't had is a while, and I feel like I just went through a major roller coaster of emotions, in addition to the over load of adrenaline. The story below also has a pretty good ending which is why I am writing about it...need to "detox" what happened in addition to remembering it for the future, because after today I think there will be more of these days to come. (Disclaimer...I hope this is understandable, because I feel a bit all over the place with my thoughts.) Here it goes...

Nathan is two, this is not news, but recently he has begun to act text book "terrible twos". It is sometimes hard for others to understand because until today he has been perfectly content to behave badly at home. He is the most lovable, snuggable little boy I have ever had, and how could those beautiful, dark brown eyes be anything other than perfect. Well, there is also an incredible stubbornness and strong will behind those eyes. My friend Suzy and I went to Costco today and then decided to go to the mall to let the kids play in the play area and have lunch. Nathan started to fuss when we left Costco and I think it was because we didn't get pizza there. He seemed to get himself together on the drive from Costco to the mall. We started to walk into the mall, (Suzy drove so I did not have the stroller) and Nathan decided as we were walking into Macy's that he no longer wanted to walk or hold my hand. Just a bit of background, this is an ongoing training we are working on. He has been trying to learn that there is a time when he needs to hold a hand of Mom or Dad. As we walked through Macy's I was able to ignore the wailing, but as we entered the mall he began to drop his feet out from under him. One of the best pieces of advice my Mom has passed on is to not talk too much, so I was just simply picking him and saying a calm voice, "Walking feet please". Those of you that visit our mall regularly know that the play area is at the other end... not the best time to be screaming as loud as he could. We tried to walk on, knowing full well he wanted me to pick him up, and I was willing but not while he was defiantly kicking and screaming. Suzy was great and kept encouraging me by saying "don't give up, fight this battle, there is a bigger reward". I was blessed 100 times over that she was there with me. We continued to about half way, near the food court, when I began to feel myself getting angry. You know that feeling of "I am going to spank this kid!!". (I hate that feeling by the way) We stopped and I let him lay on the ground kicking and screaming for about 5 min., then picked him up and sternly told him this was enough and it need to stop. Um, ya right Mom! The stares and smiles from all the people passing us was beginning to take its toll and as we got closer to the play area the anger inside turned to tears and overwhelming helplessness. Suzy took the older kids into the play area and I found a couch away from them to sit with Nathan and "have it out!" An attachment therapist talked with me over the summer about holding a child tightly who is tantruming until they accept the love and calm down. We sat and we sat and we sat, he screamed and screamed then moved on to spitting and biting me. It was in the moment I began to cry, and cried out to the God, "HELP"!! After only about 2-3 min of praying he began to calm himself down with me shhhhhing him like he was a baby, calm and tenderly. Once he stopped completely I held him, hugged him and told him I loved him even though everything with in me was shaking and wanting to run away from him. We walked to where Suzy was and sat there while the big kids played. I cried some more and again God used Suzy to encourage me and just be there for me. He sat there for a while but never wanted to play. I asked Suzy how long it had been and she said 20 min or so...yikes that was a long time of stress and helplessness on my part, makes me teary even now. Now, for the reward... he learned that I love him enough to teach him to obey. He learned that I will not give up no matter how hard he pushes back. He held my hand the best he ever has when we went to eat lunch. He was calm and receptive to me and I praised his good choices. When it was time to go, he again held me hand without hesitation or fight all the way to the car. Suzy again praised me and my perseverance...thank you LORD for the support. I now know that there are going to be more of these battles with this child of God, but I will win the war so to speak...I will not relent in my determination to train him in the ways of the Lord, and that starts with learning to love, trust and obey his earthly parents. Now hopefully my headache will release its grip and I may be off for a pedicure this evening. To all my Mommy friends...keep up the hard work of parenting, there are rewards not always seen now but will pay off later...be encouraged, you are not alone!