We can agree that apples and oranges are fruit, but that is where their similarities stop. One can be sweet and makes some amazing pie and the other sour, which if you like that can be just as good. I guess that is why people use the slogan "It's like comparing apples to oranges.". Well my two on-going caseworkers at CPS are like comparing apples to oranges. One is amazing, I would even call her my friend. I imagine we will remain friends long after our time as caseworker and foster parents ends. (She has said in the past she can't wait so we can meet for play dates, send Christmas cards, etc) She knows her job and does it well, not for the money, which is really a joke, but because she cares for children and their well being. She often works more than her "40 hrs" to get the job done and done well. She is an answer to prayer because CPS is full of issues...she is a bright light in a dark room. And then there is my other caseworker. She and I have had our "issues". Unfortunately for me she has made some assumptions about me and I have not been able to break those ideas in her head. I can honestly say that she does her job...period. She doesn't give it an extra ounce of her time, nor does she even give much thought to the struggles we have had/been having with Nathan. I call or email her and it takes a week or more to get back to me. She goes to work, works her 40 hrs, leaves and doesn't think twice about the impact her decisions as the casework have on the children charged in her care. That may sound a bit harsh, even judgmental, because truly I don't know her heart, but her actions speak louder than anything her heart says. I describe her as an EGR, that is "Extra Grace Required. I am polite, respectful and contact her only when I need to. I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to the day Nathan's file is officially assigned to the adoptions caseworker. She has not made this past 2 yrs very easy. But you know what, that is ok. I have endured, I will continue to endure, and this is just a season. I have no idea her personal story and how much that impacts her work.
Through this whole journey I am thankful for both kinds of caseworker though. I adore my one caseworker. I look forward to the future friendship we will have. I am excited that she is coming to Ayana's adoption hearing to join us in the celebration. I am thankful for my other casework. She is teaching me how to have patience with things I cannot control. CPS is full of caseworkers...both good, mediocre, bad and ugly...but I believe God has placed each of these individuals in their job to save children...to be their voice. I am thankful there are people willing to do this type of job, with all the stress and discomfort it causes them, because of the children.
They may be apples and oranges but both are fruit and we all need a little variety in the fruit bowl.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Practicing for Valentine's hair
Dress up
Samantha had some friends over yesterday and they of course wanted to play dress up. Samantha wanted to include Leah for the first time and although the dresses are all really big on her she was a good sport and danced around as best as she could. She liked the Tinker Belle dress the most.
When did she start getting so big??
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Set into motion
It is coming, whether we think we are ready or not, it IS going to happen. We are going to be 'forever' parents to our sweet Nah-nah, Banana. We are going to be her family...forever! HEAVY, heavy thoughts. We have prayed for this, we have celebrated all the joyous milestones to get here, we have waited ever so patiently for God's timing in all this and now, less than a month away the reality is setting in and I am having a hard time. I am not struggling with the decision to adopt, because truly, God orchestrated this, and He is creating our family. I am struggling with the whole idea of being a parent again. Ok, ok, I have always been 'the parent', and in reality nothing is really going to change in the day to day care for her, but I am going to be her mother...forever! Does this seem huge to anyone else but me?
When I got married, I knew someday we would have kids. I longed for pregnancy, childbirth, and having a newborn to care for. I couldn't wait to create a little person with my husband that would be the best of both of us. I think we succeed pretty darn good. Jacob and Samantha are a blessing only from God...loving them is easy, it is natural. I never once questioned my love or ability to care for them or meet their needs. I found being a parent such a fulfilling job...it was almost text book to what I had day dreamed about.
When we decided to do foster care, I was eager to jump in and rescue. It was easy to take a little one into the home, care for them, give them hugs and kisses...it was all short term so the hard parts were easy to endure. But that is just it...short term! It is about to no longer be short term but forever. I have never felt more ill-equipped than I do right now. She has challenges that some days I feel like I am pulling my hair out and barley making it through. She is uniquely created, and she is a gift...I have never doubted that, but wow, it is a much bigger deal to choose to love someone. And we are choosing. I have taken for granted how easy it has been for me to love Jacob and Samantha because as I walk this path of adoption I am choosing to love Ayana. It is so humbling to be called to love another child. It is overwhelming to. I know I have enough love, but do I really have what it takes to help her, to give her all she needs in the midst of her challenges? These are the kinds of questions that I am wrestling with. I want desperately to love her, to give her a healthy image of God, and to be her earthly comforter...but will that be enough? I am scared...I fear rejection...I always have. I think too much about the future and whether or not she will be angry we adopted her. I think about the possibility that she will reject us as her parents some day...can I really handle that kind of rejection?
Deep, deep stuff! Of course I have these moments of fear and weakness and I am fully aware that God is the Master Healer. I pray daily that He would grow in her a spirit of understanding in the reasons for her adoption. I pray that she will be happy in our family. I pray that through the 'normal' challenges raising a child can bring that she will turn to God, turn to me...her mother, when she needs. I pray I am the mother she will want and need when her heart is breaking. I know God had brought her here and I know, truly without a doubt that we are meant to be her parents. This world is messy. I pray I have the courage to tell her the truth of her adoption and bring honor to her birth mom despite the choices she made. The verse in Jeremiah have never meant more than they do right now...
"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13
Relief...what amazing relief .
Thank you Lord for your Word. What a comfort...what an amazing opportunity to once again give up all control of my future and let you make the path for me to follow. Ayana is your daughter that you have graciously let us borrow for a time. I commit to you that we will give her all we have, instruct her in your ways and love her as you have loved us. Thank you for such a blessing of responsibility. Forgive me for my weaknesses...I cling to you! Amen.
When I got married, I knew someday we would have kids. I longed for pregnancy, childbirth, and having a newborn to care for. I couldn't wait to create a little person with my husband that would be the best of both of us. I think we succeed pretty darn good. Jacob and Samantha are a blessing only from God...loving them is easy, it is natural. I never once questioned my love or ability to care for them or meet their needs. I found being a parent such a fulfilling job...it was almost text book to what I had day dreamed about.
When we decided to do foster care, I was eager to jump in and rescue. It was easy to take a little one into the home, care for them, give them hugs and kisses...it was all short term so the hard parts were easy to endure. But that is just it...short term! It is about to no longer be short term but forever. I have never felt more ill-equipped than I do right now. She has challenges that some days I feel like I am pulling my hair out and barley making it through. She is uniquely created, and she is a gift...I have never doubted that, but wow, it is a much bigger deal to choose to love someone. And we are choosing. I have taken for granted how easy it has been for me to love Jacob and Samantha because as I walk this path of adoption I am choosing to love Ayana. It is so humbling to be called to love another child. It is overwhelming to. I know I have enough love, but do I really have what it takes to help her, to give her all she needs in the midst of her challenges? These are the kinds of questions that I am wrestling with. I want desperately to love her, to give her a healthy image of God, and to be her earthly comforter...but will that be enough? I am scared...I fear rejection...I always have. I think too much about the future and whether or not she will be angry we adopted her. I think about the possibility that she will reject us as her parents some day...can I really handle that kind of rejection?
Deep, deep stuff! Of course I have these moments of fear and weakness and I am fully aware that God is the Master Healer. I pray daily that He would grow in her a spirit of understanding in the reasons for her adoption. I pray that she will be happy in our family. I pray that through the 'normal' challenges raising a child can bring that she will turn to God, turn to me...her mother, when she needs. I pray I am the mother she will want and need when her heart is breaking. I know God had brought her here and I know, truly without a doubt that we are meant to be her parents. This world is messy. I pray I have the courage to tell her the truth of her adoption and bring honor to her birth mom despite the choices she made. The verse in Jeremiah have never meant more than they do right now...
"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13
Relief...what amazing relief .
Thank you Lord for your Word. What a comfort...what an amazing opportunity to once again give up all control of my future and let you make the path for me to follow. Ayana is your daughter that you have graciously let us borrow for a time. I commit to you that we will give her all we have, instruct her in your ways and love her as you have loved us. Thank you for such a blessing of responsibility. Forgive me for my weaknesses...I cling to you! Amen.
Friday, January 21, 2011
"Snow" Unforgetable
Our annual trip to the cabin in the snow last weekend had some highlights and some very low lights. Of course the fun in the weekend had to involve snow and once again we were not disppointed. To our surprise two weeks after our huge snow storm there was still about 18inches in the ground. It was crunchy, hard and made for sledding..which translates into speed! All the kids enjoyed themselves, and look forward to this trip every year.
The low lights...well, we had Ayana up there spike a high fever...still don't know where that came from. She never had any onther symptoms. She stayed in the cabin most of the weekend although we did let her out for about 15min to get a few runs down the hill right before we left. Then, like clock work it seems all the other kids decided vomitting and poo problems would rotate both nights...all that is except for Nathan who slept through all the drama both nights. We soiled many a blankets and clothes and there is no washer at the cabin! So, a nice bag of laundry began to pile up and we promtly put the smelly stuff outside on the porch. Oh these are trips that make us laugh hysterically...so why not sing 99 Bottles of Beer in the Wall at 3am? (Well, at least we all joined for a good laugh when I started singing.) Would we have rather stayed home...no, we love the snow trip, but I will say that washer has been on overload this week.
The low lights...well, we had Ayana up there spike a high fever...still don't know where that came from. She never had any onther symptoms. She stayed in the cabin most of the weekend although we did let her out for about 15min to get a few runs down the hill right before we left. Then, like clock work it seems all the other kids decided vomitting and poo problems would rotate both nights...all that is except for Nathan who slept through all the drama both nights. We soiled many a blankets and clothes and there is no washer at the cabin! So, a nice bag of laundry began to pile up and we promtly put the smelly stuff outside on the porch. Oh these are trips that make us laugh hysterically...so why not sing 99 Bottles of Beer in the Wall at 3am? (Well, at least we all joined for a good laugh when I started singing.) Would we have rather stayed home...no, we love the snow trip, but I will say that washer has been on overload this week.
Silly girl....she was "helping" Mommy get packed by wearing Daddy's boots.
That is one good looking man...
This is a funny shot of him hugging his snowman, although a bit dark as it was sunset.
This the noext morning in the sunshine...he went all by himself!!! He is gaining so much courage these days.
Creating our own snow showers.
Our inside fans watching us sled...you could hear their squeals from outside every time someone went down the hill.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Dress Rehearsal
Today I took Ayana and Leah to a very special event...the adoption hearing for their older sister. Asjiah was placed with our family in 2008 for 10mths. She then moved to a family more equipped to help her and they finalized her adoption today! It was a humbling time when we made the hard decision to have her leave our home. We prayed and prayed for her and God was faithful!! He gave her the perfect family...the family He wanted to be her forever. The Armenta's are amazing...I treasure them. I feel so blessed to be building a relationship with them so these girls will always have a connection.
Congratulations....may you be blessed!
Congratulations....may you be blessed!
This is not a great picture because it was with my cell phone, but the girls were all smiles and enjoying seeing each other.
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