Set into motion

It is coming, whether we think we are ready or not, it IS going to happen. We are going to be 'forever' parents to our sweet Nah-nah, Banana. We are going to be her family...forever! HEAVY, heavy thoughts. We have prayed for this, we have celebrated all the joyous milestones to get here, we have waited ever so patiently for God's timing in all this and now, less than a month away the reality is setting in and I am having a hard time. I am not struggling with the decision to adopt, because truly, God orchestrated this, and He is creating our family. I am struggling with the whole idea of being a parent again. Ok, ok, I have always been 'the parent', and in reality nothing is really going to change in the day to day care for her, but I am going to be her mother...forever! Does this seem huge to anyone else but me?

When I got married, I knew someday we would have kids. I longed for pregnancy, childbirth, and having a newborn to care for. I couldn't wait to create a little person with my husband that would be the best of both of us. I think we succeed pretty darn good. Jacob and Samantha are a blessing only from God...loving them is easy, it is natural. I never once questioned my love or ability to care for them or meet their needs. I found being a parent such a fulfilling job...it was almost text book to what I had day dreamed about.

When we decided to do foster care, I was eager to jump in and rescue. It was easy to take a little one into the home, care for them, give them hugs and kisses...it was all short term so the hard parts were easy to endure. But that is just it...short term! It is about to no longer be short term but forever. I have never felt more ill-equipped than I do right now. She has challenges that some days I feel like I am pulling my hair out and barley making it through. She is uniquely created, and she is a gift...I have never doubted that, but wow, it is a much bigger deal to choose to love someone. And we are choosing. I have taken for granted how easy it has been for me to love Jacob and Samantha because as I walk this path of adoption I am choosing to love Ayana. It is so humbling to be called to love another child. It is overwhelming to. I know I have enough love, but do I really have what it takes to help her, to give her all she needs in the midst of her challenges? These are the kinds of questions that I am wrestling with. I want desperately to love her, to give her a healthy image of God, and to be her earthly comforter...but will that be enough? I am scared...I fear rejection...I always have. I think too much about the future and whether or not she will be angry we adopted her. I think about the possibility that she will reject us as her parents some day...can I really handle that kind of rejection?

Deep, deep stuff! Of course I have these moments of fear and weakness and I am fully aware that God is the Master Healer. I pray daily that He would grow in her a spirit of understanding in the reasons for her adoption. I pray that she will be happy in our family. I pray that through the 'normal' challenges raising a child can bring that she will turn to God, turn to me...her mother, when she needs. I pray I am the mother she will want and need when her heart is breaking. I know God had brought her here and I know, truly without a doubt that we are meant to be her parents. This world is messy. I pray I have the courage to tell her the truth of her adoption and bring honor to her birth mom despite the choices she made. The verse in Jeremiah have never meant more than they do right now...

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Relief...what amazing relief .

Thank you Lord for your Word. What a comfort...what an amazing opportunity to once again give up all control of my future and let you make the path for me to follow. Ayana is your daughter that you have graciously let us borrow for a time. I commit to you that we will give her all we have, instruct her in your ways and love her as you have loved us. Thank you for such a blessing of responsibility. Forgive me for my weaknesses...I cling to you! Amen.