The "system"

My mind is all over the place tonight. I just spent the afternoon in juvenile court and testifying in the severance trial for our little African princess. I am experiencing such a huge range of emotions and guess I am going to blog to get it all out.

I thank God almost daily for living is this country. We are blessed beyond measure to have the freedoms we enjoy. I am comforted that we have a system where we can defend ourselves in a court. I do not ever want to take for granted this freedom but sometimes I get frustrated with it too. Today is one of those days. I had to sit and listen to testimony that at times seemed outrageous and then see a Dad brought to tears over how much he loves his little girl. I prayed all the way to court that God would be ever present in the court room. I prayed that I would testify with His words and that grace and truth would reign supreme. I was freaking out over some of the cross examination questions and am still a bit confused at their purpose since I am not the one on trial but I remained truthful in my answers and gracious in my attitude even when I felt attacked. I sat and watched these parents express serious emotions when they talked about her and felt compassion. I do not agree with their choices, and if asked, yes, I think she should be in our home forever, but they do love her...in the way they know how.

And as I put her to bed tonight I couldn't help cry....tears that are spilling over even now. My flesh cries out to hang on to her as tight as I can. I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't want to claim her as my own. But even more significant is how much I want to align my life with God's. I want what He wants for her...even if that is not want my flesh wants. I have been praying diligently that God would change my heart...my flesh, that  He will make it see His will at the while not forsaking my petition to keep her either. I want what He thinks is best. I do not know the future...I am only here today, in this moment but my God sees the whole parade...HE knows what her future holds and who her parents are going to be. He is preparing a place for her to be safe, cared for and loved. Maybe that is our home, we certainly are up for the challenge...but maybe it's not. And as hard as it is to entertain that thought the He may put her with her Dad I have to trust He is doing what is best for her. He loves her even more than I do. I can only imagine the hurt and horror He felt when her mother took those drugs and drank the alcohol during pregnancy but His loves for her surpasses any mistake we as humans do to one another. How silly for me to think I know better. He rescued her from harm in the beginning He certainly won't stop now...our home or her Dad's. My protective heart wants to save her from further harm but my God heart knows He turns what once was meant for evil into good. She is a lucky, lucky little girl...loved deeply by so many; prayed for diligently. What ever the outcome, there are hurting parents on both ends...her birth mom and dad...I can only imagine their pain and fear at the thought they may lose her forever. And our pain and fear that we may not be who God has called to be her forever parents. But I do know one thing, my life has been made full to have her in it. She brings joy and happiness to our family and that I am forever thankful for.

I am praying tonight to embrace tomorrow fresh and new, knowing she is with  us for this day and praise Him for how ever many more days He gives us...she is loved. I choose to trust God...now and in the future.