This is my new description for how I have been feeling as we are going through all these court hearings trying to do what is in the best interest for Nathan. I feel like I am standing in a muddy pit, my feet are stuck and I see, in the distance about 5 different roads that all lead out of the pit but no clear path to any of them. We have been facing the very real reality that he may not be with us much longer. We have been hoping and praying that God intervenes on his behalf and protects him from such a sudden and damaging transition. We have been crying as if we have an ill child who may not recover and facing what will feel like a loss of a child. We find ourselves some days deep, deep into despair. How do we reconcile a loss like this? When we took that giant step of obedience in March of 2007 the peace, joy and awesome power of God poured from our souls. We always knew in the back of our mids that this could be temporary, but 2 1/2 yrs later temporary desperately wants to become permanent. These days of uncertainty never crossed our minds back then, and I often find myself thinking "oh man, if I knew then what I know now I may have made a different choice." That must be why God doesn't ask us to sit and ponder the "what if's" before He asks us to jump into an unknown situation, He simply says go.
Although my heart is breaking over the unknown I can say without hesitation that we would not have done anything different on the March day. That was the moment God picked up our feet and moved us onto a new path, one that has made us trust God more and more. We are reaching out for Jesus much like the woman did as He was passing her by, hoping to touch Him, even if it was only his garment. He will give us the strength to get through what ever is ahead.
The interesting thing is I find myself being able to relate to Abraham. He prayed and prayed for a son and God gave him one. I can almost feel the joy and celebration in his heart as he began to watch this precious child grow, and I can almost feel the astonishment when God asked him to sacrifice that very son. I wonder if he slept that night as he realized what was going to happen the next morning. Did he scream out to God "how could you give me this son, only to take him away?" Did he try to bargain with Him? Did he sob uncontrollably like I have? I wonder if Abraham had moments of doubt, especially when his son asked where the lamb was? Did he want to grab his child and run away? I wish I knew the answers to these questions, but what I do know I cling to as hard as I can. God provided the lamb! In the final moments God sent His divine intervention and saved Abraham's son. We are praying for our own "lamb" to come, so we wait on the Lord. And if that lamb does not come then we will be leaning on our Lord more than ever to get us through each day.
Lord, you gave us this son, help us find the peace to trust your will. We need you! We cannot walk through this mud without your light. And we pray for the lamb to be provided as we cannot even imagine living life without him. You know our pain Lord, for you too had to give up your child, so please bring us comfort in the days and months to follow. Your love is overwhelming and we praise you. Lord, reign in our lives. Amen
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