The sin within

My head is pounding and I am having one of those moments in life where something small, yet not insignificant happens and you have to face the reality of what it means. Anger, tears, frustration, agony are all emotions that have filled my heart in the past two hours. I am in turmoil over how to parent a child, whose foundation was initially built on the sand and how I desperately want to patch the cracks and move that foundation on to the Rock. I am certain that all children struggle with sin and their struggle to find independence leads to many sad moments of poor choices. I remember a distinct moment of choosing their sinful desire rather than obeying with each of my kids, and now I have Ayana to add to that list. Today, while at the grocery store Ayana stole some candy, hid it in her shirt and I did not discover the truth until half was eaten and we were at home. This is a consistent pattern of behavior, as she tries to take toys from friends house, church, etc, but this was the first time she succeeded in actually stealing. I marched her 3 yr old fanny back to the store and made her talk to the store manager. He was much nicer than I was feeling on the inside, (that is the anger I was feeling) and she really didn't get it. There was no remorse, shame or embarrassment. As I was driving out of the parking lot, doubt in my parenting abilities swirled around in my head. Questions, and more questions began to feed the doubt when I pulled up behind this truck at the light...he had a personalized plate the read "Perseverance". The tears spilled over and ran down my face. Perseverance? That is a major struggle for me...always has been. I want to keep fighting, running the race and what ever else is used to describe perseverance but I feel so hopeless sometimes when the reality of giving her a forever home hits me. I want her to want to be my daughter, I want her to love me unconditionally like my two older kids. I want her to want to please God, me...herself with her choices. I know the foundation we have given Jacob and Samantha but I cannot control if/when/how her foundation may fracture someday, and that scares me. I want her to be happy, to be successful, to feel joy in our family, and I have no idea how to help her feel those things. So in a few moments of crying out to God, (oh and thanking him for the license plate too), I read through Romans 8. The truth...I cannot even control my own birth kids' happiness, joy or ability to love unconditionally. That job belongs to one and only one...GOD. We all have a sin nature we either choose to delight or reject. We all struggle with pleasing God verses pleasing our flesh, and for some it may be a war as opposed to just a battle. I am not sure God's plan for Ayana and our family, and there may be many more moments in the future like this which feels heavy, but the load is not carried by me alone. Our Lord desires for me to turn over my concerns at the same time He wants us to demonstrate His ways too.

"Those who live according to the sin nature have their minds set on what that nature desires,

but those who line in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires." Romans 8:5

Could there be anything more true? Not in this moment...it is exactly what I hope not only for myself, but for my children too. So, yes, did I overreact emotionally to this seemingly small issue, probably, but it did bring up some of my fears and I was able to read God's word, be refreshed and filled with hope. It won't be an easy road, but He has made promises that I cannot forget and I choose to trust in Him to fight for Ayana's heart...and mine too.